Smart Monkey

Ain't no sin to be glad you're alive

2010-09-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Three years in: still breathing, still quit.

Recovering my senses

2007-11-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

Still here.

I feel like I'm still relearning how to think and feel without being strung out on a nicotine yoyo.

Jake and I quit drinking coffee a couple of weeks ago, just for kicks, just to see if there was something like a chemical baseline for us. So now on top of the novel sensation of being able to take really deep, satisfying breaths, there is the novel sensation of waking up in the morning and being more or less alert right off the bat.

This is a weird ride. What happens if I am not running from one distraction to the next?

Still breathing

2007-10-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

And still quit.

I think I deserve a pay raise for all the extra time I'm putting in at my desk. I'll look up and most of the day has gone by.

I hope everyone is having a beautiful October.

On Being Pro-Choice and Unpatriotic

2007-08-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book about quitting that I wanted to share with you all. It's called Hooked - But Not Helpless, by Patricia Allison. A close friend of mine used the book alone when she quit smoking ten years ago, and I'm finding it extremely helpful.

The key concept in the book is that while smoking is certainly a pernicious addiction, it is also a choice. For this reason, she recommends something many of us would consider unorthodox at best: she actually suggests keeping a pack of cigarettes near us at all times while we are trying to quit. How crazy is that?

And yet, it's helping me. I have that pack in front of me right now. When I start to get edgy and my addict's brain starts looping on "I wish I could have a cigarette..." I am forced to remind myself that "Oh, right, I have a pack right here. I could choose to smoke if I want to." And then I can think about the choice I really want to make, since I can't both smoke and have the life I want for myself.

I also appreciate Allison's advice on dealing with cravings, which is again not the usual, "Quick, distract yourself!" directive. Instead, she says, Deal with it. Just learn to be okay with being uncomfortable for a little while. Remind yourself that this is the price you are paying for your ticket out of addiction. Remind yourself that the negative feelings will pass.

Friends, to my ears, that advice is so good and so sound and so counter to our culture's run-and-fix-it-or-at-least-stuff-it-down approach to feeling bad, it almost makes me feel un-American just thinking about it! Sit with a bad feeling and deal with it! Truly a novel idea.

What do you think?

Still here!

2007-08-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Not much time for writing these past two weeks, though I've been processing a lot of thoughts and feelings around addiction and recovery. But I wanted to at least check in and say: yes, I'm still quit!

I haven't copped a buzz from Chantix for at least a week now. We have gone down to just 1 tablet per day, but we are planning to stay on it for at least another month. No unbearable side effects: occasional nausea within an hour of dosing that passes within ten minutes or so, and more annoying but still bearable, considerable sleep disturbance. I've more or less quit caffeine, also, so I'm pretty sure it's the Chantix that's waking me up a few times a night and kicking me out of bed for good right around sunrise.

But oh, man, the summer air is so sweet. I had completely forgotten how sweet the world can smell.

The View from Here

2007-07-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well, well. Just returned from an annual camping trip with friends. My quit date was supposed to be yesterday. I ended up quitting Saturday instead, so sometime around 3pm today makes 3 days quit.

Here's what happened:

It was Saturday afternoon and ungodly hot at the campgrounds, which are nestled on the lower third of a big hunk of private property in the coastal range of northern California. We were lounging with a group of friends in the grotto of a terraced organic garden, wiggling our toes among the lily pads, when one of us who had made the hike before offered to guide the group up the mountain to the source of the spring that feeds the garden.

Nevermind the fire danger, I didn't want to drag a nasty cloud of smoke up that hill with me. I had half a pack with me and another full one back at my tent; I tossed the half pack in the trash when we hit the trail.

It was not an easy hike: about 2000 feet up in 100 degree heat, but we found refreshment at faucets along the irrigation line and we paused here and there to introduce ourselves to the locals: groves of Pacific madrone shedding their bark in elegant peelings of orange and green, a tangle of fat blackberries in a swath of flaxen meadowland.

Halfway up we met the old man of the mountain: the lone redwood spared when this land was clearcut some forty years ago. He breathed down at us and we breathed up at him. The wind in his great shaggy branches sounded like whispery laughter. It was good.

We reached the summit as the sun was setting. We found the oasis, the half-hidden pool that sustains all life on the mountain. It was deep, green, a primordial soup. The air around it was heavy. There were fresh animal tracks around the edges. We gave thanks.

And then we turned, and beheld a vista that stretched for at least a hundred miles.

I thought a lot about my smoking addiction on the walk down and later that night under the stars. I'll post more about this in the coming days. For now, though, let me just say

I am so
very
grateful
to be
alive.

Thanks for listening.

It's definitely working...

2007-07-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

...but so far, I'm feeling an aversion to alcohol rather than cigarettes. I know this effect has been reported, but has anyone else here noticed it themselves? I don't mind it, but I'm not much of a drinker to begin with. I suppose I am used to consuming half a dozen drinks a week, but for the past week I haven't been interested in finishing so much as a short glass of beer, and here it is the height of summer.

Had a little nausea last night, but it passed within a few minutes. I'm smoking less, at least when I'm not parked in front of the computer. Still getting a nice happy feeling from the Chantix. Untreated anxiety and dysthymic tendencies, much?

Jake and I have decided on a quit date of next Monday. This weekend is an annual camping trip with friends, so it seemed most prudent to wait.

Meanwhile, HUUUUUGE props this morning to Tabatha on her first quit day!!!!

Whoa

2007-07-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Since about two hours after my second .5 mg dose of Chantix last night, my mood has been distinctly elevated. Not anywhere near manic, not even excited, just notably relaxed. Sanguine, even when I woke up late and realized I'd missed an important scheduled phone call. Oopsy.

Dopamine? Is that you, my friend? Come on in and make yourself at home. I'll just make some tea.

I definitely want to ride this out for a few days before doubling (!) the dose. If I'm not noticing a decreased desire to smoke by Tuesday, I could see going up to 1.5mg. I think I'm a little sensitive to at least part of the Chantix action, and I'd rather use the lowest effective dose. So far, though, still no nausea. I'm waking up a few times during the night, but having no trouble getting back to sleep (clearly).

O.K. Gonna put some down-tempo techno on now and, like, clean my house or something. Happy Saturday everyone!

Put Down Your Cigarette Rag

2007-07-20T18:06:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking about that night back in the 80's when I had the great luck to see Allen Ginsberg perform the piece below.

Caution: due to some quite saucy and/or patently illegal suggestions for cigarette alternatives, this vid is NSFW, yer kids or yer mom. Except for my mom, who got me the tickets to that reading. Thanks, Mom.

Wish I'd listened as much as I laughed at the time.

I'm not feeling anything. Are you feeling anything?

2007-07-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

Thanks for checking in!

Jake (S.O.) and I are both reporting what could possibly be a slight uptick in mood, which could possibly be related to the Chantix, or, it could just be because it's Friday and the end of a very busy week. No nausea or other side effects, except that I felt kind of itchy last night & I freaked myself out a little wondering about it - but I think it was just from reading Stan's saga.

I am actually smoking more than usual; maybe this is because the nicotine isn't quite doing its thing? It's so hard to tell right now what's biochemical and what I'm noticing simply because I'm paying attention.

Either way, I'm really excited to up my dose this evening. Ready, Tabatha?! Jake and I are planning to stay on the lower dose (.5 mg 2Xday) for a few days longer than the prescription suggests, and adjust our quit dates accordingly. If we feel like Chantix is working for us at that dose, we may not go up to the higher one. But we're both willing to do what it takes to get, and stay, quit.

More soon.

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, I Said No, No, No

2007-07-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

Day Two on the Chantix. I felt a little off-baseline at times yesterday, but no nausea yet thanks to heeding the instructions (and everyone's warnings!) about eating breakfast & drinking a big glass of water before popping the pill. I have not always been a breakfast eater, so this is a good lifestyle change for me anyway.

Tobin writes today about the dilemma of competing "wants" and his post struck a chord for me. As a not-yet-former smoker, I am still giving into that want on a frequent basis. In fact, back over here in tobacco junkie land, it doesn't even feel so much like a "want" - it feels like a compulsive need that has short circuited all the normal thinking routes. Frankly, it pisses me off and it's another reason why I want to quit. I hate the sensation that I am not actually in control of MY WANTS. I wanna do what I wanna do, and I want to make healthier choices in all aspects of my life. Now! Or, whenever this new drug kicks in.

Thanks for listening.

Chantix Day One

2007-07-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

I wasn't really planning to start a blog here, but I had to create an account in order to post comments in the other blogs, and then I just figured, what the heck. Plus, I really appreciate the time the other Chantix bloggers have taken to write about their experiences.

Like Lakasha, I held on to my prescription for a couple of months before I had it filled yesterday. In the meantime I've been reading up on the drug and searching around for the kinds of personal accounts I finally found today, but also just generally procrastinating.

My health plan required me to sign up for an online smoking cessation program in order to get the prescription covered. It looks like a lot of dorky Pscyh 101 woo woo to me, but then again, who am I to be so haughty? I'm the real dork for starting smoking 22 years ago even though I absolutely knew better.

Anyway, one of the exercises the site suggests, and one which I've read about here, is to make a list of reasons why I smoke, and another list of reasons why I am choosing to quit. So here it is:

Why I smoke

I'm addicted. Duh. So I really enjoy lighting up at the usual really enjoyable moments. I'll do another post on triggers later.

Smoking still has a coolness factor. Stupid, yeah, and as a prop of disaffected youth it doesn't age well at all. But it has that aura of rebellion, an unholier-than-thou cachet. Not all rebels smoke, but no wannabes take it up for real. It's a nasty habit that requires some level of commitment to acquire.

Smoking gives me something to do when I don't know how to deal. I am starting to see how these deathsticks have been a means of coping with anxiety.

Why I am choosing to quit smoking

I want to live my whole life. I really, really want to be free. I can't justify being enslaved by this habit when I've put so much effort into overcoming childhood baggage and struggling to live my life authentically. It just feels wrong on some spiritual level, for me.

I want my partner to live a long, healthy life, too. Yes, we both smoke, we're both quitting. It would break my heart a million times over to lose him to a preventable disease.

I'm afraid of feeling stupid on my deathbed. This might be unavoidable. My last thought on this Earth could be, "I should have looked both ways!" But I don't want it to be, "Yeah, I really did kill myself by smoking for 20, 30, 40 years."

I'm embarrassed to be a smoker. The smell on my clothes and hair. The bad breath. Being a walking public service announcement.

My dog HATES smoking. She hides behind the sofa when we smoke inside. I feel guilty as hell about this.

OK, that's more than enough for a first post. I wanna get to bed so I can wake up to my next dose of Chantix. Thanks to the bloggers whose posts I plowed through today in search of inspiration - Lakasha, Stan, Al's Mom and Maggie!